This was a pretty heavy night for dreams.
1. I am drawing closer and closer to death–my own death. I have had too many heart attacks. I knew… maybe if I had taken better care of myself–but, it’s too late for thoughts like that.
I’m in a cage, my mom doesn’t see it. I change rooms, but I am still in a cage.
I want to write down my last thoughts. It seems self-important to do so. When I finish writing them down will that be it? Kevin seems to know I’m going to die soon.
It’s like he doesn’t want to touch me anymore. I am floating near him, he doesn’t even look at me. I’m just my subtle body now, there is nothing to touch. It’s okay, I’m not part of that reality anymore.
I must let go of physical desires.
I go to Kevin, I’m just nearby. I must remember Lord Rama each time we merge, hug, or kiss.
I want to write my last thoughts on paper, not on computer. There are too many files. He might never see them. It seems vain. I write on scraps of paper. My pen works poorly, sometime it writes and sometimes it won’t.
“It’s not about the comfort, or satisfying all those endless desires. Let each kiss be Lord Rama’s kiss.”
There are many files flashing by. Some are nursing files. None of it matters. I’m going to die very soon. If I had gone to the doctor for my heart earlier would I have lived a longer life? Too late now.
Wake: Eek! This dream seemed so real. I woke up feeling sobered–to say the least. I’m happy that in the dream I was able to let go and understand the changes taking place. It was strange because I normally think of myself as someone who is going to live a really long life. I never worry about dying in my 40’s or even my 60’s. Heart attacks are a problem, but they are more of a metaphorical, emotional variety. I had another dream once, where I almost died because of too many heart attacks, (read family torture). My impression of this was that the original cause of my thyroid problem was not a throat chakra imbalance, rather that imbalance manifested as a consequence of abuse to the heart chakra. That was a couple years ago–obviously something that still needs to be addressed though!
2. I go to the acupuncturist to have an abortion. He is a thin Chinese man, with a small office off the street downtown. He stands in the doorway and turns me away for today–there are no appointments. I am not sure if I will go through with it now. I am with a friend, a girl.
Wake: Another surprising and very clear dream. I have been thinking about going to my friend’s acupuncturist, but not for an abortion. I really want to be healthy and off western medicine, and I really want to get pregnant. Maybe there is something that needs to be gotten rid of in order for this to happen.
3. I get to my uncle in time. He is actually my father and uncle combined. He is on a boat–lower level–playing cards with a friend. He’s looking very pudgy. There is brown wood paneling on all the walls. I know he is going to die and I wanted to say my good-byes. I tell him I love him and that God loves him. I try not to get too serious so it doesn’t seem weird, but I do get a little serious with that. He doesn’t know that he is going to die, so it would all seem a little odd.
Wake: This dream seemed more like a reaction to the first one. I woke up from #1 all weird and then, to console myself, I think, I thought maybe this dream is really about my father. He’s the only person in my life that seems anywhere close to death–but not that close!
4. At a vintage shop. I buy this purse that is not my absolute favorite, but because it was hand made and in a fairly ingenious way, with a tie and then the lady who made it wrote on it: “love makes me cry”.
Wake: Well, I threw this one in because I spent the next couple days after these dreams crying my freaking eyes out. Was it due to love, heart attacks, death–are they all the same? Yes and yes. Was this crying due to my taking of St. John’s Wort and Hawthorne? I think so. At any rate, I am feeling very cleansed and that I released a bunch of stuff that really needed to go.